Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Exam is around the corner

In less than 1 months time my exam is coming...

I just came back from Genting yesterday. Didn't sleep enough when i was there, so today and yesterday i was trying to get back those sleep i have lost. Seems like it did work. So from tml onwards i will studying very hard for my upcoming exam. I hope i will be able to clear this paper in 1 attempt.

When i was Genting Highland. I realised i really miss bruce alot. Though i did not cry when i was with my friend mei ling. And i'm too tired to even think of him before i sleep. But when i'm back in Singapore i start to miss him again.

I realised i was hoping too much. Hoping too much for unrealistic things to happen. Hoping he would surprise me at my doorstep. Hoping to have a family with him. I was thinking alot, imagining alot.

And i realised i am hoping to have kids. I was on my way home from the airport yesterday and i saw 2 kids on the train. The baby was so cute. Because she was smiling at me, playing with me. At that point of time i was hoping bruce was by my side. I was imagining that bruce was carrying a kid on his shoulder and how happy he was.

But i dun think i will get to see this scene myself i guess. I'm not sure why do i have so many imagination this time round. But i guess i must have really loved him alot.

I wanted very much to fly over to find him next year during his birthday. But i changed my mind after having a chat with my godbrother. My godbrother was telling me not to. Because he might do something that will hurt us both very much. Because he is being very practical. Which i really believe he is. Given our age gap, in any guys mind they would think alot. I guess no matter is guys or girls.

Some will think that they marry them for the money. But bruce didn't know i'm not someone that really see money as something super important. He didn't know that i will usually think before buying something, And i usually will only buy stuff which i think i will need it.

He didn't know that to me happiness is something i care much more than money. Because i know happiness is something no matter how much money they have they can't get it. My family wasn't really rich. But family happiness is something i always experience when i go to malaysia to visit my relative. No matter how small the house is, how poor we used to be. We are always happy to see each other. Just an old bicycle, some old swings and some see-saw. We will be happy playing with it.

That was my childhood. This childhood was something i want to let my child to know in future. No matter how poor you may be, you have to always be satisfied with life.

I didn't have a chance to let bruce know everything about me before he left me uncontacted. I'm really the simple girl that he sees when i was in the tour. But to him, he is afraid of losing me one day i guess. Actually that what i really felt also. This is partly due to my past relationship that my ex left me.

If i'm not wrong. For me and Bruce, we loved each other too much, such that we are really scare to lose each other. Because of that feeling, we are not starting any relationship. We have too much concern. Perhaps this is something that anyone who have when you really meet the right person but scare of committing because of the past or other concerns.

In my heart, he is someone i would remember for life. Even when i'm married or not. Because i have experience the special love. A love that anyone least expect to happen.

Though i really hoped i will have a future with him but things aren't going any way near it. I never once mind his age. Though i know he is really afraid. If i'm not wrong he is afraid that i will leave him for another man who might be even better than him. But as i'm not someone who will do that. Because i don't compare. Once i fell in love i fell really hard. And no one can replace his place. But if he dun care about me or dun even bother much about me, the love will slowly fade off...

I just hope this feeling will fade off soon. So i need not cry to my sleep once more. I'm yearning for him concern, his hug, his care, his everything. Sometimes i really wish that there is a wishing well that i can wish of and have my wish come true.

Bruce can you stop all this holding back? Can you just trust your instinct and be with me?


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